Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
