I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
