Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
