Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
