So drunk its hurt
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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