Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
