So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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