I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My hand turned me down
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
