Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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