I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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