the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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