just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My bed smells like the plague
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
