we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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