So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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