I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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