You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
