Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
