I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
