i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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