My Higher Power is John Stamos
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
