??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Damn victory sex feels great
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