A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
