Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
