I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
