Don't make out with my wife yet
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
