i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
