Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Congratulations! We have a period
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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