Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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