fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
