Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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