fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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