Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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