He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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