I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
3 2 1 whiskey
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
