Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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