She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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