Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
