dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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