She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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