so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
