I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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