he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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