At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
