There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
