would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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