I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
