My brain says no but my pants say off.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
