My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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