please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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