I want you more than these girls want KFC
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
