My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
